Disclaimer: I'm an insomniac who suffers from Narcolepsy. A man determined to be grammatically correct, yet uses every colloquialism in the book. Simple, with more than a touch of complex. That's me.
I am in no way, shape, or form a fan of Steve Harvey(I mean how could I be a fan of a man who fancies himself on preaching to other men on how to be a man towards women, when he himself is a two time divorcée). Sorry for the tangent, I do that a lot. Having said that, one thing Steve Harvey taught me is that I have a gift. I've always had said gift, but never knew exactly what it was called, until I saw one of his stand-up specials. See I have this gift & sometimes curse of having a 3rd eye. As I understand it, I have 2 physical eyes, & this 3rd mental eye, that allows me to see everyone & thing a tad bit different then the rest of society. So if we stare at the same painting for 30 minutes, you might be enjoying the scene & how peaceful everyone in the portrait looks, but I am thinking about why did this person have time to be sitting in a meadow, does he not have a job? Is it Saturday? Why doesn't he have sneakers on? Where is his cell phone? Won't he get thirsty out there? And so on & so on. My 3rd eye is a bit more sophisticated than that, but those who know me, know my mind peddles on a different type of chain. Now onto my theories, this isn't the most succinct piece of writing but it is truth nonetheless, respect it or don't.
1. The Feet Theory - For as long as I can remember, women, chicks, broads, hoodboogers, & fluseys alike have at one point or another told me they have "pretty" feet. There is NO SUCH THING! There are feet & ugly feet. I ask what exactly constitutes as "pretty" feet? I get a range of answers, but none better than "the shape of them is what makes them cute". That would make sense if I was remedial but alas I am not. The fact is feet are not attractive. Either you have "regular" feet or ugly feet. For example a woman in the mall wearing a sandals, and a young lad approaches this woman and says "Excuse me, but I just wanted to say I think you have some real cute toes(feet)". Generally this is accepted as a compliment, but my 3rd eye translates this into "Excuse me miss you have some real cute elbows". How dumb does it sound now? My disdain of feet hit an all-time high when I was 16, I will never forget this day. My honey suckle(at the time) & I were riding the bus(I was 16, a metrocard was all I needed), & as usual I was making a few remarks which garnered a chuckle, & giggle from her. So this lady who was sitting behind us tapped her on the shoulder & said "He's just trying to put a down payment on the pussy." I laughed so hard that(as I often do) put my head in lap, but there was a surprise waiting under my bus seat for me, HER FEET! They looked liked she was kicking the side of a building with no shoes on for a week. FEET ARE A BODY PART NOT AN APHRODISIAC.
2. The Velcro Theory - I hate Velcro, I despise the feel, & cringe at the sound. Velcro pisses me off. That is all.
3. The Pickle Theory - You know how they say don't trust anyone with 2 first names? Well don't eat a food that can be eaten as two separate entities. Cucumbers, & Pickled Cucumbers? Huh? Excuse me? Tomatoes as ketchup, Mustard seeds as mustards, oranges as orange juice. See a pattern? One form of food to another, not chew-able to chew-able. It's just a no go. In my 26 full years, I have yet to taste 1 of either.
4. The Pete & "They" Theory (Mystery) - Who the fuck is the Pete in Pete's Sake? Why isn't it for Alain's sake? Why couldn't be for Patrick Ewing's sake? Why Pete? Fuck Pete. Who the fuck is They? We are all guilty of saying, "You know what THEY say....", or "THEY always told me.....", who the fuck are you "THEY"? Show your face, I have a few choice words for you.
5. The Pretty Pussy Theory - People tend to have a lid on their life. So I relate that to a friend of mind who once said "She is too pretty for me, I don't feel like getting shot down." This speaks to me on a few levels. Why do people limit themselves when it comes to the opposite sex? My line of thinking is such that, I never had her before so if she says no, I didn't lose anything, but if she says yes, the possibilities are endless. I wonder do people treat their goals & dreams the same way they treat the proverbial Pretty Pussy? If your goal is to be a pianist would you freeze up if Beethoven came around/ Or would you kick it with him & try to gain as much by rubbing elbows with him as humanly possible. So why treat woman any different? I know, I know. They have that sweet little soft pocket, but contrary to popular belief they are human. Legend has it that they even fart & shit on occasion(though experts have yet to prove this cl
Whether with women or life in general remember this mantra, THE MAN WHO HESITATES WILL BE A MAN WHO MASTURBATES.
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