Dating is fun, tedious, complex, entertaining, painful, arousing, & at times scary. Having said that I've gone on a few of these awkward social outings society has named dates. I have told a few people these stories, but at this point in my life, where I have established comfort in my own skin, I shall divulge this information for all. So what we have here is an example of one of the examples of 3 of my "Hell" dates. Enjoy.
Date 1:
I randomly met this young "lady"(trying to be p.c.) at an industry function, & as usual I charmed the panties right off her(I kid I kid) but we flirted & hit it off, do the whole exchange numbers & kept in mild contact with each other. Now by the conversations we were having(keep in mind they were sporadic at best) she SEEMED like a cool one, with her head on her shoulders(seemed being the operative word in this sentence). So one day in the great borough of Manhattan I was getting a tattoo on my hand(not trying to be cool, it plays into this story) & I have my hand wrapped, & was going to head home, because let's be honest walking around with your hand wrapped in plastic all day in the city doesn't exude sexy. As I am getting ready to catch a cab to head home, I notice this beautiful lady across the street, but she looks awfully familiar, but instead of doing the whole "Don't know I know you from somewhere?", I called her phone to see if this was who I though it was, & indeed it was. So we begin to converse(those who know me know I despise small talk), anyhow this exchange ended with me saying these exact words, "Pick anywhere in the city you want to go to eat & I'll take you." She says cool, we can call it our first date. Now this is NYC, and pardon my biased but this is the greatest city in the world. I mean people come from all over to experience the culture, walk our pavement, eat our food, tour our great sites, & this "lady" picks RED LOBSTER. Any woman worth her weight in salt would choose anywhere BUT Red Lobster(Should have been a red flag),however Alain not being one to judge, gets in the cab & off to 42nd street we go(keep in mind it is a Saturday at 4 p.m.). So we get there & as expected there is a wait, so the front desk help(I refuse to call her a maitre d') gives us this buzzing contraption & the wait begins. We walk to the bar, and the first person we see is a woman I just had relations with, sitting with her new guy. I'm not THAT rude of a person, so I go over & say hello(while this new guy does his best tough guy look, not knowing I know his woman's g-spot) & keep it real cordial, after this happens we go order drinks, and just chill when 3 of the most ghetto un-fabolous girls I went to school with come over & in unison say "AAAALLLLLLL"(in their best Peggy Bundy voice), asking questions like "who is your little girlfriend?", prompting me to say "bye, Bye, BYe, BYE!" By now I probably look like a Red Lobster Jigaloo, but we laugh it off & start drinking some more. Now she goes to the bathroom, and I get approached by a woman asking me "What happened to your hand?" So I tell her about the tattoo & she engages me in all out unabashed flirting, then does the Cougar move of the year & leaves her card on the bar & does the call me hand sign(Needless to say I was in shock). Now I have this card in front of me & a real game time decision to make. Do I pick up the card? or Let it lay? How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Alas, I let it lay. Now we drink some more & fnally the contraption buzzes & we are to be seated upstairs. Now, I have it in my head that Red Lobster isn't going to break the bank, so I say "Get whatever you want." She orders "Can I get 3 lobsters & 2 shrimp platters" & like in the movies & tv shows I slowly lower the menu from my face & give a look like I only I could, to which she replies "My mother & brother love them some Red Lobster." In my mind I am thinking, 1. She is a flusey. 2.I am going to have sex tonight. Just being honest. I figured I'd get something out the deal. The waiter leaves & I move to her side of the booth, & literally the next thing you know she starts yelling at the TOP of her lungs "Don't you ever talk to no other bitches while you with me." "Do you see how good I look, don't play yourself, & get it right." I start laughing because after all this isn't really happening to me at 4/5 p.m. in the middle of Red Lobster on 42nd street? With families eating & parents looking at me like "Control your woman." So I put my head in my lap because I am literally dying of laughter, & she proceeds to smack me in the back of the head & pour water on me. I do the only thing I could do in this situation, grab my shit & leave. She calls my cellphone furiously, & of course I do not answer but then she decides to text me. "You could've at least paid for my mother & brothers food, with yo cheap azz."
All of the events in which you've just read are indeed, factual.
Date 1:
I randomly met this young "lady"(trying to be p.c.) at an industry function, & as usual I charmed the panties right off her(I kid I kid) but we flirted & hit it off, do the whole exchange numbers & kept in mild contact with each other. Now by the conversations we were having(keep in mind they were sporadic at best) she SEEMED like a cool one, with her head on her shoulders(seemed being the operative word in this sentence). So one day in the great borough of Manhattan I was getting a tattoo on my hand(not trying to be cool, it plays into this story) & I have my hand wrapped, & was going to head home, because let's be honest walking around with your hand wrapped in plastic all day in the city doesn't exude sexy. As I am getting ready to catch a cab to head home, I notice this beautiful lady across the street, but she looks awfully familiar, but instead of doing the whole "Don't know I know you from somewhere?", I called her phone to see if this was who I though it was, & indeed it was. So we begin to converse(those who know me know I despise small talk), anyhow this exchange ended with me saying these exact words, "Pick anywhere in the city you want to go to eat & I'll take you." She says cool, we can call it our first date. Now this is NYC, and pardon my biased but this is the greatest city in the world. I mean people come from all over to experience the culture, walk our pavement, eat our food, tour our great sites, & this "lady" picks RED LOBSTER. Any woman worth her weight in salt would choose anywhere BUT Red Lobster(Should have been a red flag),however Alain not being one to judge, gets in the cab & off to 42nd street we go(keep in mind it is a Saturday at 4 p.m.). So we get there & as expected there is a wait, so the front desk help(I refuse to call her a maitre d') gives us this buzzing contraption & the wait begins. We walk to the bar, and the first person we see is a woman I just had relations with, sitting with her new guy. I'm not THAT rude of a person, so I go over & say hello(while this new guy does his best tough guy look, not knowing I know his woman's g-spot) & keep it real cordial, after this happens we go order drinks, and just chill when 3 of the most ghetto un-fabolous girls I went to school with come over & in unison say "AAAALLLLLLL"(in their best Peggy Bundy voice), asking questions like "who is your little girlfriend?", prompting me to say "bye, Bye, BYe, BYE!" By now I probably look like a Red Lobster Jigaloo, but we laugh it off & start drinking some more. Now she goes to the bathroom, and I get approached by a woman asking me "What happened to your hand?" So I tell her about the tattoo & she engages me in all out unabashed flirting, then does the Cougar move of the year & leaves her card on the bar & does the call me hand sign(Needless to say I was in shock). Now I have this card in front of me & a real game time decision to make. Do I pick up the card? or Let it lay? How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Alas, I let it lay. Now we drink some more & fnally the contraption buzzes & we are to be seated upstairs. Now, I have it in my head that Red Lobster isn't going to break the bank, so I say "Get whatever you want." She orders "Can I get 3 lobsters & 2 shrimp platters" & like in the movies & tv shows I slowly lower the menu from my face & give a look like I only I could, to which she replies "My mother & brother love them some Red Lobster." In my mind I am thinking, 1. She is a flusey. 2.I am going to have sex tonight. Just being honest. I figured I'd get something out the deal. The waiter leaves & I move to her side of the booth, & literally the next thing you know she starts yelling at the TOP of her lungs "Don't you ever talk to no other bitches while you with me." "Do you see how good I look, don't play yourself, & get it right." I start laughing because after all this isn't really happening to me at 4/5 p.m. in the middle of Red Lobster on 42nd street? With families eating & parents looking at me like "Control your woman." So I put my head in my lap because I am literally dying of laughter, & she proceeds to smack me in the back of the head & pour water on me. I do the only thing I could do in this situation, grab my shit & leave. She calls my cellphone furiously, & of course I do not answer but then she decides to text me. "You could've at least paid for my mother & brothers food, with yo cheap azz."
All of the events in which you've just read are indeed, factual.
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